Wednesday, August 11, 2010

"The Sorcerer's Apprentice" Review... It's Bad, Really Really Bad

So, it's a few weeks late, but I avoided the critics and went to see The Sorcerer's Apprentice (SA). Maybe I should have listened? No! That's why we see movies ourselves, to develop our own opinions. So, here was my thinking.

Nicolas Cage, I like him. Jay Baruchel, I like him. Alfred Molina, I like him too. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, I love his movies. So far so good. The story of a sorcerer having to teach a young man the tricks of his trade, pretty cool idea. Let's get into what really happened, not what I was hoping to happen.

What I liked about the movie:
The Special Effects
This is no longer a factor strong enough to hold a movie up on its own. I remember the mid-1990's, terrible movies were AWESOME because we'd never seen special effects before, more specifically computer generated effects. SA has some incredible stuff in it. Nothing new per say, but it was visually stunning to look at. I especially loved the broom scene that was talked about so much before the movie launched.

What I didn't like about the movie:
The Story
I think there was a lot of potential wasted on this film. I know Hollywood is all about time=money, but this is ridiculous. The story of SA was there, the script was not! If they took the story, spent another 6-12 months tweeking it, I don't think I'd be writing this section of my review right now. Centuries ago, this person betrayed this person, then that person got locked away in a contraption, only to accidentally be released years later, blah freakin' blah. It was so stupid. This amazing sorcerer (Cage), can't stop a 9 year old little runt from fumbling and bumbling his way into trouble? What the hell man? Give us, the audience, some credit will ya?

Then there's the GOD AWFUL love story, sub-plot garbage. This girl wanted that guy, not the other guy, so the other guy got jealous and joined the other girl in betraying the first guy. Did you get that? Yea I got it, but it's ludicrous. For God's sake, who cares?! Stupid. Monica Bellucci loves Cage's character, not Molina's character, blah blah, I don't care.

The Acting
Every actor/actress in this movie should be ashamed of themselves for the performances they phoned in. I want an apology from each and every one of the them, including the extras. OK, I'm being a bit dramatic, but literally every performance is forgettable. The one performance I was disappointed in most was that of Jay Baruchel's. I just gave him props when I reviewed She's Out of My League, and now I'm scratching my head. He plays the same, dorky, neurotic character in League that he does here in SA. I like Baruchel, but this movie will be the low-point of his acting career.

The Direction
It's not all the actors and writer's fault this movie was as bad as it was. Jon Turteltaub stunk up every scene in the movie. The pacing was off; within seconds we're running, then crawling, then running again. The editing was terrible, choppy and unorganized. The score SHOULD have been memorable and worthy of a summer blockbuster. It was forgettable at best. Shoot, even wardrobe sucked. Turteltaub is to blame for 80% of the movie's awfulness. Yes, movie making is a collaborative effort, but Turteltaub has the final say so.

I am not being "harsh" on this one, folks. Go see it and join my hatred for this film. I was so mad, so upset at the nonsense movie I saw, I literally text dozens of my friends my hatred for the film. It was a waste of time, money, and... time. I will never listen to the critics when it comes to my choice of films, but damn they were right. With a 42% on Rotten Tomatoes, you can see where my hatred is coming from. GOD I HATED THIS MOVIE!

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